Mind in the Gutter

     Apparently I have reached the age at which I am no longer allowed to speak about matters of the flesh.  It’s unfair but there are ways to redress the injustice .  If you catch me emitting a concupiscent-sounding chortle, you’ll know that my mind has revisited the gutter.  Here are a couple of examples of what I found there.
    
    Those of my generation who grew up Catholic experienced interrogation and peculiar theology in the experience of going to confession.  When I was a young fellow in my late teens, there was a priest who heard confessions at my all boys high school.  As we waited in line, we knew he was done with the current penitent when his voice boomed through the drawn curtain, "Get your mind out of the gutter!"  That was the only part of the confession that was audible.  But he said it to everyone. Apparently we were all voicing the same sins.

    A year or two after high school, in my home parish, I encountered a confessor who listened to my recitation of transgression, and then said:  "You must never see her again."  "What, Father?"  I asked him to repeat.  He did so.  "Well, Father that's really not possible.  We have a date tonight."  He then explained that he could not give me absolution, and justified his decision by quoting canon law--in Latin.  (I actually understood a  number of the words because I had a good Latin teacher in high school.)  I refused to abide by the edict.  He did not absolve me.  I was dumbfounded.  Outside, I sat in my car for a few minutes.  Then the Holy Spirit sent me a fine idea.  I pulled out from the curb, and drove five miles to the next parish.  I walked in, picked the nearest confessional, knelt down and spoke the same sins.  The priest asked me no questions.  I was sure I heard him yawn.  He gave me a modest penance.  And I said an act of contrition while he said the words of absolution.  

     The experience taught me an important application of  theological decision-making.  Ya gotta shop around.  Oh, and the date that night . . . how hot was it?  Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies.

      This other incident did not involve confusion over ritual, but I tell it with a residuum of rue.  Many years ago, I was traveling, training staff in the field. A female trainee came to my room on the pretext of clarifying a manual. Later, when she left the employ, she angrily told me that visit was intended to result in sex with the boss. I had no clue and there was no sex. I was so focused on the football game on TV, I barely noticed when she left the room. Apparently, I missed a booty call before there was such a thing. 

      The lesson I'm trying to pass on here is--pay attention!  You really can't afford to make mistakes like that when you're young.  Some opportunities are unlikely to repeat.